regretting living the regret

my maternal grandparents' family, after my grandfather's memorial service

I have trouble with emotions, especially sadness in general, and grief specifically. But the hardest emotion to manage, I think, is regret. It's hard to get through, or past. I can't even get over decisions I made about my cat Nub seven years ago.That was the cat and mouse of my past, all over again.

And I'll bet that the bigger regret will come later on: I'd like to live nearer my family in the south. But it's hard to just pick up and move, for so many reasons: a job/salary, moving expenses, a spouse reticent to move TO the south, etc. The thing that I'm worried about, because of this hesitation, is that if I don't move closer to my family--so that I can visit more while my parents are in good health--my parents will die and I'll forever regret not having gone to spend more time with them.

It's a real quandary, since I like my job here and I love playing in a pipe band (and there are none in the south). I don't know what to do, and time is flying by.

I'm already living the regret.

:-(

cousin's EKG

I was just looking at my cousin Ernst's Website. Amazing. That's what smart parents and a rigorous education will (help) do for one. Kudos is (weird sounding verb, but correct) due you, Ernst!

A busy mind makes for no sleep!

Last night I went to bed at 10:30, since I had to be up by 5 this morning. I finally got to sleep at 3:30: my mind was going non stop, begetting one thing after another after another. Some of the things my mind ran through (I can't remember the exact order):

1. I thought about how I'd teach someone some musical concepts, like what the difference is between a half step, a whole step, various intervals. I know...weird. That begat...

2. ...wondering if I could remember how to draw, in my mind, the letters of the Greek alphabet. That begat...

3. ...wondering if Greek and Russian print had capital letters, or if all the printed letters are written the same. Probably the latter, though I imagine the script form of writing has capital letters at the beginning of sentences, etc.

4. ...wondering if "Cyrillic" referred to the Russian (and Bulgarian, etc.) language in general, or just to the Russian characters of the alphabet. It's the former. That begat...

5. ...wondering if Finland is on the west side of Sweden and Norway, or on the Russian side. It's the latter I saw on a map today. That begat...

6. ...thinking about the fact that I couldn't sleep because I was thinking too much. I thought about how to stop my mind's rambling converstation; and then I thought about how I was thinking about why was thinking about what I was thinking about. Yet another circle. That begat...

7. ...(I have to remember: there was a lot more that took up the five hours!)

my super powers

I have various super powers that I'm proud of! ;-D

1. ability to ping a cat on the head from any distance

Even though this is completely unintentional, whenever I toss a paper ball or cat toy to one of my cats, I, without trying, inevitably manage to bounce the toy off the top of the cat's head.

2. ability to guess numbers

It peeves my husband that, whenever he asks me to guess someone's age, what a house or car costs, etc., etc., I manage to guess it almost perfectly. Or, it also really makes him mad when he thinks I'll guess some number way under what it should be (like what a fancy car costs), and instead I guess something super high. That really bursts his bubble!

3. ability to time things without having to look at a clock

If I put something in the oven, for example, and then set the microwave timer, without having to look at any other clock, I'll go back into the kitchen to check on whatever it is and will see that the timer has only about 5 seconds left on it.

4. ability to watch something on TV, make a comment, and then have someone on TV say the exact same thing.

This has happened more than a few times, though right now I can only remember one recent example:

I was watching TV one Sunday night and saw that The Simpsons would be on, followed by Family Guy, followed by more The Simspons. I exclaimed to my husband, "Man, it's a bonanza tonight!"

The Simpsons' opening credits ended, surreally enough, with the Simpson family out on the range, dressed as the Bonanza folks, and singing the theme song!

TV- and other quotes

from TV:

• Homer Simpson, The Simpsons: "But I don't even believe in Jeebus."
• Peter Griffin, The Family Guy: "Where in the Bible does it say that one can't fire off a few knuckle children in the privacy of his neighbor's living room?"
• Eric Cartman, South Park: "Leave no doughnut behind."

and mine:

• "Too bad, so sad."
• "'Tough titty," said the kitty, 'but the milk's still good.' 'Have another,' said the mother, and the kitty said she would."
• "Hey."
• "See ya...wouldn't wanna be ya."
• Well aren't you something?!

the "F" word

After reading that a 250-something-year-old tortoise had died, I exclaimed "f@#kin' hell" to myself and then thought to myself that the word "f@#k" is a great word: I can barely think of a form of speech that the word can't be made into. For example:

"F@#k! F@#k the f@#king f@#ker who f@#ked over the f@#ked-up f@#k who f@#ked a bad f@#k."

And some other forms of the word that are particularly good are:

f@#kwhit | f@#ktard | f@#kin' hell | f@#kin' A | f@#kamatic | get to f@#k | f@#k me

Jung, Myers-Briggs Typology

from http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Your Type is: ISFJ

Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging

Strength of the preferences %
67 50 62 33

ISFJ type description by D.Keirsey:

http://keirsey.com/personality/sjif.html

ISFJ type description by J. Butt and M.M. Heiss:

http://typelogic.com/isfj.html

You are:

distinctively expressed introvert
moderately expressed sensing personality
distinctively expressed feeling personality
moderately expressed judging personality

pet peeves

...the ones I can think of now, that is. In no particular order:

• Pushing a soda-machine button, like for a Diet Coke, and getting a Cherry Vanilla Coke, for example;
• Selecting something out of a snack machine and accidentally pushing the wrong button (and so getting something I probably wouldn't eat on a dare;
• Women who make a mess in the bathroom (women know what I mean here) and don't clean it up;
• Putting money in a vending machine, being told the item's sold out, and then not being able to get my money back. So I end up with something like the Cherry Vanilla Coke above!

Hail, Holy Queen

I'm not religious anymore, because of some recurring bad experiences in the past, but I still think/thought that these prayers were nice. And no, I don't know what made me think of this, I say to someone who knows who he or she is!
(Pope John Paul II closing the Holy Doors, marking the end of the Jubilee year)

"Salve, Regina"

Salve, Regina, Mater misericordiae,
vita, dulcedo, et spes nostra, salve.
Ad te clamamus, exsules filii Hevae,
ad te suspiramus, gementes et flentes
in hac lacrimarum valle.

Eia, ergo, advocata nostra, illos tuos
misericordes oculos ad nos converte;
et Iesum, benedictum fructum ventris tui,
nobis post hoc exilium ostende.
O clemens, O pia, O dulcis Virgo Maria.

And one I sometimes say out of habit:

Lord, Jesus, keep us safe;
You are our only hope.

or:

Angel of God, my guardian dear,
to whom God's love commits me here.
Ever this day be at my side,
to light and guard, to rule and guide.

my Nohari Window (Personality Flaw Map)

For more info on the below:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window

Nohari Window:

The Nohari Window is a challenging inversion of the Johari Window, using antonyms of the original words. By describing your failings from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of perceived and unrecognised weaknesses can be explored.

The next step is to ask several of your friends and colleagues to say which words they associate with you. You can do this by directing them to the following URL:

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=cahcadden

To watch how your Nohari Window changes, and get HTML results to paste into a journal or email, bookmark this URL:

http://kevan.org/nohari?view=cahcadden

my Johari Window (Mapping Personality Visibility)

For more info on the below:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window

Johari Window:

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingram in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

The next step is to ask several of your friends and colleagues to say which words they associate with you. You can do this by directing them to the following URL:

http://kevan.org/johari?name=ccadden

To watch how your Johari Window changes, and get HTML results to paste into a journal or email, bookmark this URL:

http://kevan.org/johari?view=ccadden

Thanks!

If I could do my life over...

I would (in no particular order)...

• watch my weight better...especially in college
• begin percussion earlier
• find a pipe band earlier (though difficult in the South)
• maybe have child?
• watch credit!
• retirement investing earlier
• work with animals as a profession
• try more recreational "items"
• interact more with relatives, especially my grandparents
• learn more about my family history
• be more aggressive/assertive when troubled by kids at school
• compete in motorcycle events (enduro/motocross)
• practice drumming more
• join a DCI corps
• have done things differently in 1975 or 2000
• finish medical school?

"The Averted"

The one whose eyes
do not meet yours
is alone at heart
and looks where the dead look
for an ally in his cause.

Les Murray
New Yorker

Gomer haikus, or..."It's just a cat."

I feel a little weird putting cat haikus on the Web. But one of my favorite quotes is, "too bad, so sad." I'm no good at poetry in general, but I found I could handle a 5-7-5 haiku.

So, without further ado, I give you:

"It's Just a Cat"

A week and a half
was all it took for Gomer
to fade and then die.

It's hard for Gomer
to be just a memory.
I wish it weren't so.

It's hard to let go...
of anyone, anytime.
But I had no choice.

I heard him be born.
(Here I'm quietly crying).
I saw him die, too.

I loved Gomer so.
It's hard to have him be gone...
never to return.

Gomer was my boy.
His death rent my heart in two.
I miss him so much.

Gomer died last week.
I cannot believe he's gone.
But now he's set free.

I miss Gomer so.
He was my best feline friend.
I wish he were here.

Gomer died last week.
His death caused my heart to break.
But now he's at peace.

"Hey" is not just for horses and cows like you (or me)!

If this Blogger blog maker weren't free and so easy to use, I'd never get into this. I think I'll keep the blog mainly for myself, and won't put it out for others (other than a few family and friends) to see.

This picture was my lame attempt to make a passport picture using a built-in iSight camera on someone else's iMac G5. It didn't work out, quality wise, but the picture's OK.